You can call me Halez.
And here is my story.
​ Let’s start with the area BPD has affected me the most:My relationships. In 2016, I was in a serious relationship that I adored. A traumatic BPD episode became physical on both ends and caused a very painful break up. I was devestated and I hated myself for it. That’s when I got into dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT). I did independent and group therapy where I learned a lot of skills to work on myself. Over a year later, I felt healthy going into my next relationship. Until another BPD episode. I broke things, he called the cops. Another break up. I felt like all of the hard work I put in meant nothing. I had to work on getting healthy again. Several months later, I got into another relationship. I had this giant fear he wouldn’t be able to put up with me or be able to handle me, and would eventually leave like everyone else. I was so insecure and did not love myself. I depended on his validation so much I wasn’t validating myself. I tried to use my skills but I needed extra help. So, I started seeing a psychiatrist and started medication. Eventually, a small fight blew up and I had another horrible BPD episode. I really hurt him with my words and broke both of our hearts. Alcohol is always a trigger and I knew better to not drink. It has always made things so much worse. I could not believe I did it again. How many times am I going to fuck up? How did I not learn? How could I hurt people I love so badly? All of these mess ups just confirmed that I was not worthy of love and that I can never change. I felt hopeless and went into self sabotaging behavior, still drinking, cutting myself, having suicidal thoughts. I knew I had to change and get my life back together. I continued seeing my psychiatrist and cut out alcohol, but these aren't my only battles.
Not only do my failed relationships make me feel unworthy of love, I also fight with my self confidence. Lyrics from Demi Lovato’s song I Love Me say it best, “I can’t see what I am I just see what I’m not.” Often times I can’t see my own beauty and I constantly stress over my body and appearance. When I take photos I OBSESS over everything I see wrong, which leads to having to take like a million photos until I get one that I kind of like. When people compliment me, I can’t see why they think that way. When I do poorly in something I feel I must just be a fuck up. I compare myself to everyone around me. I can be so hard on myself and focus more on the bad than the good. I see in extreme black and white. I focus on all of the things I’ve done wrong, instead of all the things I’ve done right. A lot of people face these, but the BPD makes it feel 10x heavier.
Because of this, I think no one will ever possibly be able to love me enough to stay with me. No one wants to be with the "crazy chick." I feel helpless and alone and sometimes hate that I have this disorder.
So I try to stay reminded that there is beauty in it and it makes me the caring, sweet person I REALLY am. I am working on myself because I want to over come this and believe that I can. I will continue to fight and not give up on myself. I will love myself fully. The good, the bad, and the really fuckin bad...
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Several months have now passed, and I feel healthy. I am in a new relationship with someone I believe loves me enough to stay through it all and I have become an 8th grade science teacher. I am seeing my psychiatrist and therapist, as well as practicing my skills each day. I still have my "crazy chick" moments at times, but I have found someone who sees my worth. I still have my anxiety, depressive, OCD behaviors, but I am able to over come them. It will always be an ongoing battle, but I have learned that struggling is okay, and that growth is a continuous process.