I Am Not Crazy, I Am a Cheetah.

I started reading the book, Untamed, by Glenn Doyle. Her prologue describes watching a cheetah named Tabitha in a zoo, living a good and simple life but wanting more. Like to be in the Savannah, under a million stars, able to run and hunt like a true, wild animal. It's crazy to want more if things are good, right? NO. Tabitha was not crazy, she's a cheetah. And I am also a cheetah.

For a long time, I allowed myself to be caged, living a "good enough" life. I did things to please others instead of myself, I stayed in relationships longer than I should have. In my relationships, I settled. I wanted certain things, but when they weren't there I thought I was just asking too much. But this led to a million fights; it led to my crazy moments feeling rage, hurt, fear. Eventually everything I held in came out in the worst ways. When I started this blog, I was fresh out of a break up, broken hearted. I have spent months healing and starting over and I finally feel like a cheetah, not that I'm "just crazy."

I have learned that it's okay to start over as much as possible and that my mistakes don't define me. I have learned it's okay to want more, and that I deserve more. I have learned to live my life the way I want to. I have been working on myself- practicing my skills, reading books, seeing my helpers (therapist & psychiatrist), getting closer to God, finding my outlets, like bullet journaling. I'm working on loving myself for who I am. I still have my bad days where I feel too ugly, too fat, too difficult to be with, but for the most part I feel healthy. I feel happy.

I have been in a new relationship for 7 months now. We started out as good friends and now we are learning how to help each other, how to validate each other, how to properly love each other. Sometimes we fall short- we argue, my crazy side comes out, my anxiety kicks in. But for the first time, I feel loved. I feel that I have found someone who won't leave me. I feel I have found someone who not only sees my worth, but lets me see it too. I know that I can be needy, especially with BPD, but I don't feel like I'm asking for too much. Every day he does a good job making me feel secure, which helps a ton. He is willing to learn and understand BPD. I used to think I wouldn't find someone who could put up with me, but so far he does a damn good job. This new change has really helped my mental state, as well as becoming an 8th grade science teacher.

For years I grew up wanting to be a veterinarian. I went to college and earned a bachelor's degree in Veterinary Science. It wasn't until the end of my college days until I admitted that this wasn't what I wanted to do anymore. I felt trapped in this cage of becoming a vet for so long since that's what I told myself, and everyone else, it's what I wanted to do. I finished my degree but after college, after deciding I didn't wanna try to go to vet school, I felt lost. I had decided to use my science background to teach secondary science. Over summer I got my teaching license and now I teach 8th grade science. This was my first semester and I absolutely loved it. I feel I have a purpose. I believe I have the gift of teaching and that I am helping impact young lives. I still love animals, but I am happy I didn't try to pursue vet school.

I am grateful for all of the things that didn't work out, the pain I've been through, the hard times I thought I wouldn't survive. Because I am surviving. And I am growing. And I am a freaking cheetah who is now free.