I love you, I hate you

AKA, the “split.”

Borderlines experience"splitting." It's a subconscious defense mechanism that attempts to protect us from feeling intense negative emotions. But really, it makes things worse. It creates a distorted way of thinking. We see in extreme black or white, all or nothing. It causes our thoughts and feelings to easily change from good to bad. Sometimes this change happens fast, like within a few minutes. It affects how we feel about ourself, how we think others feel about us, and how we feel about others. There's silent splitting and also rage splitting. I go through the rage split the most when I'm in relationships. When I'm dating someone, I love them so much and think the world of them... Until I feel they’ve hurt me.. Then I rage split.

Once I feel triggered and this splitting happens, I can only see them as "the bad guy." My impression of them and how much I think they care about me totally changes. Sometimes it's a minor let down that's easier to over come. But when I feel really hurt, invalidated, or abandoned, that's all I see and I'll blow up. Even more when there's alcohol involved. The hurt and fear turns into anger. It makes me lose my sense of caring in that moment and I attack. It's like I become a different person. Like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. The I love you turns into I hate you. But I don't really mean it so it's followed by I love you, please don't leave me. I regret everything and feel awful. I apologize and try to fix the damage, but sometimes it's too late. I can't believe some of the things I've done in these splitting moments because I know I really did care for the relationship. Why'd I have to break what I love so much? The hardest part to understand is that we only experience these outbursts with people we love. It's really shitty and confusing for everyone.

Borderline Personality Disorder is difficult to really understand and it takes a lot of extra effort in a relationship. I know it's difficult to date me. In my past relationships, they couldn't handle it. I fear no one will ever be able to. But I've heard about borderlines being in a lasting, stable relationship, so it is possible! The partner of someone with BPD needs to make a commitment to learning all about what the disorder is, what the triggers are, how they can offer the proper support. And for the ones with BPD, we have to recognize our triggers. We have to constantly practice using our skills; we can't be lazy with it. We have to work hard at controlling our emotions. In some of my previous relationships, I think both ends fell short of putting enough effort in. I also realize I wasn't healthy enough to be in these relationships. I still need to take more time to work on myself. The skills I've already mentioned in other posts help with splitting and this way of thinking, but I'm going to add a couple of more skills down below.

Wise Mind. Three conditions of the mind: the emotional mind, the reasonable mind, and the wise mind. When we think with an emotional mind, our feelings take over our thoughts and actions. When we think with a reasonable mind, we focus on knowledge and facts. The wise mind is where they both overlap. It's a place of validation and truth. You're able to recognize your feelings and act/think rationally. Training your mind to do this requires a lot of time and practice. My mind still struggles with it, but I'm trying. To practice, you can use a venn diagram to create a wise mind statement. One side is emotional, the other side is reasonable, and the place they overlap is wind mind. Or you can use a three column method. The wise mind statement should include how you are feeling and the true facts of the situation.

Cognitive Distortions-Thinking Errors. Cognitive distortions are ways that our mind convinces us of something that isn't necessarily true. They reinforce negative thoughts. My therapist gave me a checklist of ten cognitive distortions or "thinking errors" and had me circle all of the ones I relate to. I circled 9/10. To work on these distortions, you use another three column method. You write the irrational thought, the name of the thinking error, then come up with a rational thought.

The pics below show the checklist with descriptions of the thinking errors, an example of the three column method, and the wise mind venn diagram. Hope they help!