Mirror, Mirror on the Wall, Who's the Ugliest of Them All?

I am. Or at least, that's what I feel like.

This is not an easy topic for me to write about, but I think it's a very important one: Body Dysmorphia- a common symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder. Body Dysmorphia causes you to obsessss over one or more perceived flaws that seem minor (or not even present) to others. It makes you feel embarrassed, ashamed, anxious. You'll usually compare yourself to others, avoid social situations, and avoid or criticize photos. It's something that I severely struggle with.

In this photo, I wanted to show how many negative thoughts come to mind when I look at myself. As hard as this was for me to do, I decided to be natural, to not use my good angles, poses, or filters. When I look at this photo I feel disgusting.

My weight is definitely the area I struggle the most with. (It doesn't help that I've gained some weight during this quarantine). People always tell me I'm skinny or that I have a nice body but I usually don't believe them. I believe I'm fat. I'm too wide, especially my shoulders. I look stubby. I have a double chin. Whenever I go out (especially in bikini season), I look at other girls' body and wish mine looked like theirs. Whenever I see a photo, my first thought is always "I look fat." So I either don't want to take any or I'll warn the person taking them that they're going to have to take a million, because I already know I'll look fat. But I also love food. So there are times I say "Fuck it" and eat what I want. Then I usually end up feeling guilty about it later. Sometimes I'll skip meals. I know it's an issue so I try to balance eating and working out. But I never seem happy with my weight and I don't know if I ever will be.

I also see a lot of other flaws. My hair isn't as blonde as it could be. My eyebrows are too far apart. I don't have eyelash extensions. I always have dark circles under my eyes. My lips are wayyyy too small. Fake lashes and lip injections have become so popular. I don't have the money to keep up with those trends, even though I'd like to. When other girls have them done and I don't, I feel ugly. Constantly worrying about all of my flaws makes it very easy for me to compare myself to others. And not only do I compare myself in real life, I compare a lot through social media.

Social media has made my insecurities worse, especially Instagram. It's the app millennials care the most about- the quality of the photo (Is it Insta worthy?) and how many likes it gets. When I scroll though my feed, sometimes I'll see girls' pics and feel jealous. I compare myself to them or notice that my boyfriend liked their sexy selfie. Or I'll check the popular page and start comparing myself to models. And when I'm not comparing, I examine and judge the photos I post. One time I posted a picture wearing a bikini on the beach and the more I stared at it, the more I regretted posting it. I thought I looked fat and didn't want other people to think I'm fat. I stared at it for hours, always checking how many likes it got. My family tried to reassure me that I looked good because even they could see how it was stressing me out. It took time away from just enjoying my vacation. And this happened all of the time.

My therapist always suggested I delete Instagram, but I never did. Well, I did delete it after a break up because I wanted to disappear off of the Earth, but I re-made it shortly after. It was like an addiction. Even though it was hurting me, I was also getting some type of satisfaction. Because when I'd get over 200 meaningless likes, I felt cool. It wasn't until another break up that had me delete it again. Not only did I want to disappear again, but I realized I was continuing to make the same mistakes. I was continuing to feed my insecurities. I was continuing to do things I knew weren't healthy for me. It's been deleted for about two months now and I'm happy to say that I do not miss it this time. I'm not totally free from the social media trap; I still post on Snapchat & Facebook. But I got rid of the one that had the most negative impact on me.

Having such negative thoughts about my personality and my appearance makes it really difficult to be confident in a relationship. I always fear they are going to leave me or want someone better. There are so many pretty girls out there. I always think, "They can find someone who's pretty and not 'crazy', so why will they stay with me?" But I'm working on accepting myself. I'm working on realizing that just because someone else is beautiful, doesn't mean that I'm not. I'm working on learning how to love myself. I'm hopeful that one day I WILL love myself and I'll find someone who loves me for me.

If you relate and want someone to talk to, please feel free to message me. ❥